Well, that's shocking.

Hello again folks, Pokemon safety master man here to give you another does of Pokemon danger knowledge!

Now some people are wondering who I really am (lol no one is actually asking), but alas I must still conceal my identity for the SAKE OF SAFETY. I don't care if that made sense or not huehue.

Today we're going to be talking about this sweet little pussy right here called Luxio. It's a spark pokemon that is usually found in plains and various grassy areas usually found in groups. Now this is very important because you need to be aware that if you see ONE... that means the others are around you and are already pouncing for an ambush. Now you might be thinking "oh man I can totally just kick the shit out of this thing and it'll fly off into the sunset", well before you do such an idiotic thing, have some common sense and think about YOUR LIFE. Because Luxio can generate electricity through its claws and one little swipe can cause you to FAINT.

Figure 1: omg is he ok

That's right, FAINT, like holy shit out cold... Ever seen Bisping get knocked out by Dan Henderson? YEAH that's what's going to happen if you TRY to mess around with this cat. Before you faint yourself you better check yourself. Take a good look at Figure 1, see that?  That's a prime example of an idiot trying to fight a Luxia... like what would your friends say if you lost against a cat?! THATS WORSE THAN BEING CALLED A PUSSY.


Its claws aint the only thing that's dangerous about this lion, some Luxios might know the move Spark, this enables Luxio to emit electricity from its body and uses it as a weapon to tackle foes and cause PARALYSIS. Yep, you can be out cold AND be paralyzed... while the whole luxio crew does naughty things to your body (purr)

Figure 2: ooo kinkayyy

• SOLUTION: Even though a simple gun or even a grenade can do the trick, we have to be smart and think of less expensive ways to protect ourselves. That's why I've came to the conclusion that only a full rubber suit would be able to save you. If you don't know where to find one, I'm sure there's plenty of SEX SHOPS out there that would be more than willing to sell you one of these (Figure 2).

The rubber suit will make sure that even if you get sparked, you'll only receive pain from the tackle BUT not the electric charge. Because you know electricity can't go through rubber, oh come on I don't have to go all scientific on you now DO I?! If someone goes up to you and makes fun of how stupid you look in a rubber suit, take one of the Luxios and throw it at the person THAT'S WHAT THEY DESERVE FOR MAKING FUN OF POKEMON SAFETY.

Don't be a hard headed fool, PROTECT YOURSELF.

Whoa whoa, is this font too hipster for you? WELL TOO BAD I ACTUALLY LIKE HELVETICA.

Ahem.

*Clears throat*

Before I start, I just hope that everyone's alive and well because with all the Pokemon in the world you'll never really know when your last day will be (omg such a sad statement lolol). Today we're going to be taking a look at a dragon type Pokemon, because in my opinion they are one of the most DEADLIEST types out there, and it's my job as the Safety Master that I am to make sure none of you end up DEAD.

Holy chocolate mary, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

This blue thing is called BACON... mmmmm Bacon... with cheese... in a burger... mmmm... oh god... WHOA WHAT HAPPENED sorry I blacked out there for a second. So yeah it's name is Bagon and it's a Rock Head Pokemon that's usually found in rough terrains. Now you're thinking "OH... it's a small thing, I can just stab it in the eye and run pshhhhh" If that's what you actually thought then I'd have to give you the award for DUMBASS OF THE YEAR. I'm just kidding (not really), see that steel head? You know what that means? that's right: broken bones, teared muscles, concussions, DEATH, etc...

This is equivalent to Bagon flying off cliffs

This motherfucker is capable of breaking BOULDERS with it's head, and I'm pretty sure the average human being is more fragile than a fuckin BOULDER. If that doesn't spell death, this thing wants to be able to fly so badly that it actually HURLS ITSELF OFF CLIFFS TO PRACTICE. Like what kind of a creature does this?! Not only does it end up hurting itself... but it also poses a great THREAT to the sky. FFS please watch out for this thing when going through tough terrain because you'll never know if one's falling right on top of you.

It's time again to take out the notepads and pay close attention to what I'm about to tell you because it might just SAVE YOUR LIFE FWACK.

Figure 1: Omg I want one.

• FIRST: Actually there's only one weapon smart enough to not only protect you but also assists you in getting away safely! and that my friends is a very reliable ZORBING BALL. For those that are unfamiliar with this thing, it's pretty much what Jackie Chan used after falling from a plane (HE'S SO FUCKIN COOL). It's just a large plastic ball that you can store one person inside for all terrain mobility! Take a look at Figure 1 if your imagination fails to paint you a picture. 

Anyways, I really have to go poo... TMI? I DONT THINK SO